Another week, another raft of Press articles by self-professed
white “feminists”, defending their own prejudice by bashing other women. It’s
as if they can’t stop themselves, these women of a certain age, a certain class
and a (very) certain privilege, who seem quite happy to see women abused, as
long as those women are different from their own privileged circle of friends.
These are the women who “don’t see” race, and who think that counts as a virtue.
These are the women who “don’t see” class, or disability, or
neurodiversity, or gender, except perhaps for that one friend, who represents
all others, and will be used as proof of their tolerance and lack of prejudice
whenever the question arises.
These are the women I interact with every day, many of whom I think of as being decent, well-meaning people.
But in actual fact, not
seeing race (or gender, or class, or disability) just means you don’t see
your own prejudice. I get it: it’s very convenient not to be able to see how one’s
privilege impacts on others. Because as soon as you can see that, things start
to get uncomfortable. Criticisms people make of you start to seem more
justified. It becomes harder and harder to hide behind your comforting circle
of friends - all of whom are telling you that you’re right, you’re good, you’re
kind, in fact, you’re the real victim
if ever your prejudices are called out– your friends, who think just like you.
But here’s the thing. We’re all privileged. We all have
unconscious bias. Just because we’re women in a patriarchal society, doesn’t
mean we’re not capable of punching down at someone more vulnerable, or causing another
person – or group of people - to do so. And let’s face it; those people are usually men. Misogyny loves it when women attack other women. And it’s intersectional. Look closer, and you’ll find how often it leads to racism, ableism and transphobia.
I’m looking at you, white feminists. Using the patriarchy to
confirm your own social and racial prejudices, rather than hearing the voices
of those women who most need your support. Women of colour. Trans women. (And
no, I’m not going to let you deflect by arguing about what exactly makes a woman – there are plenty of people who have
done that. Read them if you want to.) What really
matters is not whether someone looks or thinks or behaves like you. What really matters is
who suffers harm, and who benefits from your actions.
Women are in a majority. Sometimes we forget this. We fight
against sexism and prejudice as if we were a minority group. We’re not – or at
least, we wouldn’t be, if we didn’t keep splitting into factions, attacking
each other, then looking all surprised when the patriarchy keeps rolling on,
harming women everywhere. And the saddest part is that we have so much potential
energy. If only that energy were directed to bashing the actual patriarchy, rather than by heaping blame upon the women who are its victims, we might be making
progress instead of tearing each other apart.
I’m looking at you, white feminists. I know how angry you must
feel when people call you prejudiced. I know you’re used to the moral high ground,
to the feeling that you’re the real victims of a system that’s loaded against
you. And I know that when people call you racist, or ableist, or transphobic, it
feels like abuse. It feels that way because you’ve never really considered your
privilege in all this. You’ve never really considered the impact your words –
amplified by social media, or published in the national Press - might have on
real-life people.
You really need to do that. And no, it isn’t easy. First,
you have to suppress that urge you have to tell the world that you’re special and different, and
therefore have no unconscious prejudice. You’re not, and you do. The fact that
you don’t think you have any is precisely because it’s unconscious prejudice. Unconscious prejudice is like a black hole:
only detectable through its actions. And if your actions cause POC harm - or trans
people, or autistic people, or any other marginalized group likely to receive abuse, or worse, because
of something you said, or did – then you need to understand what you did, and acknowledge
it.
The first and most important thing is to understand is that this isn’t about you. Too many people
fixate on whether or not they’re really
racist (or sexist, or ableist, or transphobic) instead of looking further. I
get it. It’s easier to focus on the words
and what they mean, rather than the reason they were used in the first place.
So stop thinking about the words, and think about what you did, instead. Consider
whether you said or did something that
was harmful. You’re not in the best position to judge. (Unconscious bias,
remember?) So listen to your critics. Instead of feeling offended that someone
used an ugly word, ask yourself why
they used it. Look at their reasons,
not yours. Understand their
perspective.
That means first putting aside all your excuses and
justifications. This isn’t about you, remember? No-one cares why you made a
mistake. You might have done it by accident. You might have done it out of
ignorance. You might have stuff going on in your life that made you careless or
vulnerable. But this isn’t about you. No-one
cares why you caused harm. All that
matters is that you did. The harm might be direct – causing offense to someone
through your words or actions – or indirect – for instance, reinforcing harmful
stereotypes, or attracting the kind of negative attention that might result in trolling,
doxxing or violence.
Whatever it was, if that happens, the first thing to do is
to acknowledge it. Own it without
making excuses, or arguing over semantics, or talking about your feelings, or making
the process about you.
And no, it isn’t easy. It involves centring the conversation
around someone other than you. You may not be used to doing this. It may make
you feel uncomfortable. It may even upset you. But remember, this isn’t about
how you feel. The fact that you’re
instinctively trying to make this about you, even now, should be telling you
something.
So yes, get over your feelings. If you said or did something
that’s likely to cause harm to someone, own it. Educate yourself. Apologize. Move on, with a
greater awareness of what you need to do to improve. That’s all.
We’re none of us perfect: we all make mistakes. But when we do, we need to put
ego aside, and try to stop repeating them.
Only then will feminism stop tearing itself apart. Only then will feminism be truly deserving of the name - when white women finally understand that if they continue to support and care for only the women who look and think as they do, then the patriarchy wins, and that they are doing its work.
White feminists, I’m looking at you.
White feminists, I’m looking at me.
